Reasons I hate Twilight

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Alright, many of you have heard me flip a b because of how much I hate Twilight. Here is a COMPLETE list of all the reasons I hate it. (As a note of clarification: I read the first book and have seen all the movies, due to a series of unfortunate events.)

1. Bella: Bella is the WORST heroin ever written. This deserves sub-categories:

1a. She is void of personality. If I wanted to read about a brainless pretty face who doesn’t know how to crack a joke, I would watch America’s Next Top Model… of Fox News.

1b. She is completely dependent on men. Um, last time I checked, American women can vote, own property, go to school, and work. Bella could do ANY of those things, but instead chooses to wait for an ice cube to come back to her.

1c. Having cuddled with several men, I can tell you it is much nicer to cuddle with someone warm rather than someone cold – unless we are living around the equator. Instead, this weirdo chooses the cold guy? She’s obviously deranged. Do we really want to encourage our young women of today to emulate a deranged person?

Alright enough about Bella. I refuse to get into the pros and cons of Kristen Stewart, because that would need its own blog.

2. Bella and Edward’s relationship gives young girls an unrealistic expectation of their future boyfriends: Girls, if a guy watches you sleep, shows up in your room uninvited, says he wants to eat you, or calls you a spider monkey, he’s a psycho. He isn’t romantic, he isn’t mysterious, he’s a creep. Run.

3. The Twilight Saga has caused mass hysteria. You know what else caused mass hysteria? Hitler.

4. Bella is the one who was pushing for sex and Edward, the guy, was holding back. No guy would hold out that long, so I believe we are going to start seeing a whole large group of girls who think guys will resist if they push for “that” but will end up pregnant, and if we learned anything from the LAST book, it will almost kill them, which will lead to an upset in our population make-up, which won’t show ramifications for years, when there are a bunch of guys looking for a wife and there won’t be anyone their age to marry, so they’ll have to marry old divorcees or obscenely young girls. Point proven.

5. Jacob falls in love with Bella and Edwards creepy super-growth baby. So… he’s a pedophile?

Finally, 6. Twilight has taken the classic vampire myth and twisted it into some kosher, fluffy romantic interest. Bram Stoker is rolling in his grave. Dracula was a terrifying, sensual creature. Edward is like a hipster going to community college to become a kindergarten teacher, who secretly plays in a punk band to prove he still has a hard, edgy side. Ps, in this scenario, said hipster also insists on a hard-core vegan diet and reads Baudalaire poetry in his free time.

So, to wrap up, I don’t approve of Twilight in either its literary or cinema form. However, I do approve of any literature that brings young girls into the world of reading. I just wish they would read Harry Potter.. or Lord of the Rings. So much better.

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About kaseyvandyke

A student. The occasional writer. A life-long reader. Probably quirky.

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